For twenty-seven years, I lived in the sport for eight months at a time. Sharon and I shared that life for nineteen of our fifty years of marriage. It was a constantly spinning carousel of coaches, players, and support staff.
From July 31 - August 2 of 2025, Truett Seminary of Baylor University in Waco, Texas USA hosted the Fourth Global Congress on Sport and Christianity. Congress on Sport and Christianity
Week Seven as a Widower – August 2025
At my son’s suggestion, more like prodding, I began listening to a podcast by a man whose wife had died of cancer a few years ago. There were dozens of episodes, and I began listening at episode one. I was soon fast forwarding through the introduction and repetitive segments. I found it a little psychobabblish and heavily laden with clichés. I will still listen, but with one eye on the fast forward button.My wife’s cancer battle consumed the first six months of 2025. It ultimately ended her life on earth, much too soon, and much too painfully. Throughout those months, I was alternately locked in the battle and trying to maintain an equilibrium to our lifestyle. As the weeks, appointments with doctors, treatments, emergency room visits, surgeries, and sleepless nights mounted, I became reflective and tried to make sense of what I was experiencing.
Writing
reflections in the notes app of my mobile phone became a helpful way of processing
all my heart and mind were experiencing. Below are a few of those reflections. They
are raw, vulnerable, and gut-level honest. I certainly have a long way to go in
my grieving and mourning process.
Inadequate
and Distracted – April 2025
How
can I, a man who prides himself on self-reliance, achievement, and strength, be
so utterly inadequate and easily distracted?
Walking
with my wife through cancer treatments, weakness, and incapacity, has exposed
many more of my personal weaknesses and character flaws.
The
added grief of losing family and friends to death compounds these
matters.
How
shall I deal with all this? I have no other recourse than to trust wholly in
the grace and mercy of Christ Jesus - His power to save to the uttermost.
That’s all I have.
But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the
surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are
afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing;
persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying
about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be
manifested in our body. 2
Corinthians 4:7-10
Is this really my life? – early May 2025
As
these days of life in and around a hospital have stretched on, I have wondered,
“Is this really my life?” It seemed like I was observing someone else.
Scenes
like these, hotel room doors and hospital corridors, assure me this is my
present reality and keep me grounded in the moment.
Intimacy – mid May 2025
Intimacy
at fifty weeks into a dating relationship is significantly different than
intimacy after fifty years of marriage.
The
former is clumsy, hormonal, and exciting, finding ways to be together, aching
to touch the other, and longing to be trusted.
The
latter is more sober, more familiar, and fully trusting, caring for an ailing
spouse, preserving her dignity, and affirming commitment for life.
Reflections from a hospital
room – early June
2025
Stage
four metastatic peritoneal cancer is hellish. It has stripped my bride of her
energy, ravaged her body, and destroyed her confidence. Despair stands outside
the hospital door waiting to strangle her soul.
Being
my wife’s primary caregiver has alternately strained and strengthened our
relationship. She needs me more than ever. She frustrates me because I see the
consequences of momentary choices (like not eating) very clearly.
Lifting
her into and out of bed, the bathroom, a wheelchair, and more has become a well-rehearsed
dance. More like an awkward, junior high, slow dance to “Nights in White Satin”
than like disco or swing dancing.
The
anticipated highlight of our upcoming fiftieth wedding anniversary is chemotherapy
treatment and possibly some frozen custard afterwards.
Removing
her clothes was much more fun fifty years ago than it is now. It’s still
powerfully intimate, but in an infinitely more severe way.
My
natural bent toward optimism is being powerfully tested in these days. Trying
to stay afloat in this waxing and waning tide of confusing medical information,
twice daily dispensation of medications, nightly flushing of her pic line,
sleeplessness, frustration with a painfully slow process, and the insidious
whispering prospect of being widowed is squeezing my soul.
Through
all of this, I remain committed to love and to serve my wife; charging the
fiery gates of hell in a gasoline suit while armed with a squirt gun. I am here
for all of it.
Reflections after one week
as a widower – July
2025
From
March 7 through June 27, my life was almost entirely consumed by Sharon’s
battle with metastatic peritoneal carcinoma and my care for her. I immediately
withdrew from most all my work, ministry, and recreational pursuits. I was
granted a leave of absence (graciously with pay) by my employer, and we
eventually agreed I would retire at the end of May.
The
sixteen weeks we anticipated would be given to chemotherapy treatments and
recovery, along with a surgery and more recovery, turned into a swirling vortex
of delays, infection, hospitalization, removal of an infected chemo port,
confusion, open-heart surgery, recovery, five weeks of thrice daily antibiotic
infusions, the sale of our home, a move to a neighboring state, restarting
chemotherapy, precipitous weight loss, weakness, shortness of breath, fluid
drainage, steadily dropping blood pressure and declining vital signs.
This torturous process finally took her life as she was lying in our bed, at
home, surrounded by family.
My
role as full-time caregiver was full of frustration with the situation,
occasional irritation at Sharon’s lack of appetite, disgust with my own lack of
compassion, anticipation of the worst case scenario while advocating for the
best case, questions about medical bills, insurance coverage, concern for
family members, and communication with a broad network of family, friends, and
ministry colleagues.
Since
my wife’s cancer diagnosis five and one-half months ago, I have been grieving.
Firstly, I grieved the horror of the disease and its terrible effects upon my
bride. Secondly, I grieved the way it was causing her to suffer in increasingly
more severe ways. Ultimately, I began to grieve her impending death as we
started hospice care, and then her passing three days later.
Now,
grief has new dimensions as it includes loneliness, disorientation, and
questions about the future.
Occasionally,
something will happen, and I will reflexively pick up my phone to send her a
text message about it. As I work to understand our finances and obligations, my
first instinct is to ask her for a password or a person to call. She is not
here to answer.
My
daughter-in-law helped me go through her jewelry, her clothes, and accessories.
We made personal gifts of some items, we gave away fifteen bags of clothing and
shoes and discarded several other items. That was painful, emotional, and extremely
helpful.
My
immersion into our personal finances has been tedious, pleasantly surprising,
and liberating. Our situation was better than I had imagined, but more
complicated than I desire going forward. I have paid off a few small balances
and shredded several credit cards. I am building a new budget as a retired
widower, with an eye toward some strategic travel, and the potential launch of
a ministry mentoring sports ministry leaders in 2026.
Less than Three Weeks In… - July 2025
I
am making adjustments daily. I am trying to set a new daily regimen and to
restore some order to my lifestyle. It took six months to wreck my sleep patterns;
it may take some time to restore a healthy rhythm. I am getting a handle on
finances and am about to close on the sale of our home in Carbondale. That will
result in a strong boost to my savings and some measure of financial security.
I
am not sure what to do with the loneliness that stalks my quiet hours. I trust
my Comforter will be even more tangibly present as I mourn my wife’s departure,
and as I contemplate a future in fulfilling our Lord’s purposes for my life.
For the next several posts in this series, I will be making some book recommendations in various categories. The lists will neither be exhaustive nor full scale endorsements of everything in each one. I generally read to learn (not to be entertained) and welcome points of view from a broad perspective.
For the next several posts in this series, I will be making some book recommendations in various categories. The lists will neither be exhaustive nor full scale endorsements of everything in each one. I generally read to learn (not to be entertained) and welcome points of view from a broad perspective.
For the next several posts in this series, I will be making some book recommendations in various categories. The lists will neither be exhaustive nor full scale endorsements of everything in each one. I generally read to learn (not to be entertained) and welcome points of view from a broad perspective.
For the next several posts in this series, I will be making some book recommendations in various categories. The lists will neither be exhaustive nor full scale endorsements of everything in each one. I generally read to learn (not to be entertained) and welcome points of view from a broad perspective.
For the next several posts in this series, I will be making some book recommendations in various categories. The lists will neither be exhaustive nor full scale endorsements of everything in each one. I generally read to learn (not to be entertained) and welcome points of view from a broad perspective.
For as long as I can remember I have volunteered in ministry efforts. First it was with my local church, then in short-term mission ministries, and for the last thirty years with ministries in sport. Across those years I have observed a few keys to effective leadership of volunteers, particularly in ministry efforts. A summary of those keys follows.
Since the summer of 2010, my family has been walking through a difficult, significant, and occasionally traumatic process. On a hot August afternoon my wife and I made a hurried trip to the emergency room where her mother was being treated. It was obvious to me her condition was quite serious and we spoke very directly about the likelihood of this being a terminal situation. By mid-November, she had begun hospice care and she soon passed while I held her hand bedside.
In more recent days, we observed my father’s cognitive and then physical decline across three years, and then more rapidly across a couple of months, prior to six days of hospice care in an assisted care facility. My dad passed as I was standing with my mother beside his bed.
Earlier this year, my father-in-law also began to decline in health and passed in mid-September. For the last five years or so, Sharon had been caring for him as he lived alone in his home. Despite numerous physical and cognitive conditions, he wanted to remain independent. Sharon managed his finances and drove him to the grocery store, doctor’s appointments, and more. Eventually, a fall and a more rapid decline required a move to the same assisted living facility in which my father passed. A couple of weeks of hospice care and being surrounded by his children preceded his eventual passing early on a Sunday morning.
My ninety-year-old mother made the decision to move from her home to a supportive living facility as she was lonely and knew she could not maintain her home any longer. A couple of good conversations between Mom, my two brothers, and me made the process of moving her, selling the home and its contents, a much smoother process. She is in a good apartment, has plenty of independence, is very happy and secure. This pleases all of us.
Across these fourteen years, I have observed a number of things about the process itself and how it has shaped us as we have walked through it. Those observations follow.
I believe I am far too hurried, rushed, and too easily distracted from important matters and significant moments. In the normal busyness of life as a fifty-four to sixty-eight-year-old person, it’s really easy to miss the important moments of life because I am buzzing by them in a blur. Even in my visits to my parents’ home I would be preoccupied with text messages or phone calls, when I could have been paying better attention to their questions or concerns. I am sure I would have gleaned more wisdom from my father if I had simply left my phone in the car, stayed longer, and listened more intently.
There is a wide variety of ways families deal with crisis and stress. Some families deal with these matters by acting if they are not real, hoping it all works out, denying the gravity of the moment. Later in this process the grim reality hits them with a profound thud and it crushes them emotionally. Other families deal directly with a crisis, look it dead in the eye, and stoically move through the process. If they respond emotionally, it’s done privately and all along the way. By the time the crisis has culminated in death, they have largely processed the grief and appear to others to be cold, emotionless, and even uncaring. None of those perceptions are true; they have simply processed the grief across weeks or months, rather than in hours or days. Neither way is better than the other. There is plenty of room for grief and mourning to be done differently.
One can improve his approach to these matters, even if he would rather simply avoid them. I grew up with a large extended family, including grandparents and great-grandparents in both my paternal and maternal families. Because of this I grew up in funeral homes. It was most common to be at funeral visitations with my brothers, parents, dozens of aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. I thought this was everyone’s experience until I married my wife. We were twenty-one and had welcomed our son to our young family before she ever attended a funeral. It happened to be my great-grandmother’s funeral and I was stunned by her response to what she was seeing. It was a very emotionally difficult situation for her. In the years since then, she is much better with crises, emergencies, and death, but it’s certainly still very difficult.
After her mother’s passing, my wife took on the role of matriarch for her entire family and she does it quite well. It certainly stresses her, but she carries the responsibility with grace and dignity. I now find myself as patriarch for our clan and feel the weight of it. It comes with being the eldest brother and the one living in closest proximity to our mother. Sharon and I are certainly better at dealing with such issues of life today than we were in our twenties. We have learned. We have grown. We have matured.
Embracing these situations enriches one’s soul. I think there’s a natural, human desire to avoid pain, crisis, and emotional trauma. We’re human and don’t like the pain. However, I have learned that leaning into, embracing, and dealing directly with all such matters enrich one’s soul. As painful as it was to witness the final breaths of my mother-in-law and my father, these moments were full of important connections, grieving expressions of release, and mournful emotions of profound loss. I wear theses memories like scars on my soul; reminders of pain, but memorials to rich relationships.
Having walked through these experiences emboldens my heart for the arrival of the next crisis. I don’t fear it, nor do I want to hasten it. I no longer see it as something to avoid as a lethal enemy, rather I see it coming as a familiar, severe acquaintance with whom to walk for a few hours, days, months, or years.
I was privileged to be a guest on this podcast - The Athletes Edge; Coaches Edition.
Sports chaplaincy, primarily understood to be pastoral care for people engaged in the world of sport, has been a growing form of ministry for more than sixty years. In most places it is called just that, Sports Chaplaincy, however in other environments different language is used to describe what is essentially the same thing. Our ministry, Nations of Coaches, calls us “character coaches,” other ministries use language like, “life coaches,” “sports shepherds,” or even “sports buddies.” The language is less important than the quality of service provided.
I will not attempt to offer a history of sports chaplaincy, but to simply reflect upon its past, its present state, and the future for this dynamic ministry opportunity across the globe.
Past – It seems that sports chaplaincy first emerged as a grass roots attempt to offer Christian ministry to people in the professional sporting world. Many of these people were competing or traveling on Sundays, and were unavailable for worship with their local churches.
I am aware of pioneers in sports chaplaincy in the United Kingdom, Germany, Australia, New Zealand, and the USA. As this form of ministry began to grow, it soon found a home in other levels of sport like collegiate sport in the USA, and at multiple levels of sport in the UK, spreading to other nations as well.
Most of these sports chaplaincy ministries grew from modest, individual opportunities, and grew into healthy, sustainable, and enduring ministries. Some others flashed up quickly, and diminished just as quickly due to a short-term opportunity or a lack of sustained connections. A couple of the longest serving and most enduring sports chaplaincy ministries are Baseball Chapel and Hockey Ministries International.
Present – Sports Chaplaincy has grown in breadth and depth. It has developed organically as a movement, and organizationally as more formal ministries. It has one set of practitioners who serve exclusively as sports chaplains, and it has another set who practice it among many other forms of ministry in sport.
The vast majority of people serving in sports ministry are volunteers. They are employed otherwise, but invest a great deal of time, energy, and heart into their service of sportspeople. A relative few people are employed as sports chaplains. Some are in professional sport, and another short set are in collegiate sport in the USA.
There are a few, well-organized, and wisely led ministries in several industrialized nations. They recruit, train, develop, and lead their people with excellence, vision, and integrity.
There are myriads of people serving as sports chaplains, some not even knowing what to call it, in more grass roots, entrepreneurial, improvisational, and messy situations. They simply see an opportunity to serve, hear God’s call, and step into the void. Often they do it very well, selflessly, and sacrificially. Occasionally they do it very poorly, encumbered by self-interest, arrogance, and even greed. Some of the novices start hunting for resources, connections, or networks with which to improve their service. When these people connect with established sports chaplaincy ministries, encouragement, equipping, empowerment, and professional development is usually the result.
Sports Chaplaincy is practiced in the communities of an immense number of sporting environments in both genders. A long but not exhaustive list of sports wherein I am aware sports chaplains are serving is below.
· Football (soccer)
· Baseball
· Softball
· American Football
· Australian Rules Football
· Rugby
· Ice Hockey
· Auto racing
· Motorcycle racing
· Horse racing
· Rodeo
· Netball
· Basketball
· Volleyball
· Cricket
· Golf
· Fitness Gyms
· Athletics (Track and Field)
· Others beyond my notice
From 2014 through 2024, several leaders of various Sports Chaplaincy ministries around the world collaborated on plans to foster the development of similar ministries in other nations. Countless hours and a tremendous amount of money was invested in this process with almost no results. I and the others participating were frustrated and even disillusioned by our lack of success. I’ll address this more in the next section.
Future – Having observed the growth and development of Sports Chaplaincy for over thirty years, I see some trends I expect to continue for several more years. As mentioned in the previous section, I don’t believe the growth will come via corporate style, organizational structures of ministry. Rather, I believe Sports Chaplaincy is well poised to grow as a movement, more like a virus than a building.
To grow as a movement, Sports Chaplaincy is likely to have all the accompanying messiness and seeming chaos of a movement. It is also likely to be empowered by the usual passion, energy, and vision that come with movements.
The key to growth in any nation will be the communication and relationships built with organizing bodies of sport leading to their embracing Sports Chaplaincy in their respective sports organizations. Whether it’s in professional sporting clubs, amateur sports organizations, youth sports leagues, or even national government entities responsible for sports, their opening of the door to sports chaplains to serve freely, within wise parameters, would be catalytic to growth.
The growth of Sports Chaplaincy as a movement will be facilitated most rapidly as the established organizations share their training, resources, and counsel freely via the internet. When we, the leaders in this ministry, hold our experience and expertise openhandedly and share it freely, the movement will spread. If we can relinquish our need to control the process and trust our Lord to lead, we’ll see massive growth on every continent. We who are in positions of strength, resource, and experience must pay whatever it costs to make excellent training and development opportunities available to an increasing number of languages and cultures. This would please our Lord greatly.
Summary – I believe Sports Chaplaincy stands at the threshold of an exciting season with amazing potential for growth and development. Technological advances have made the sharing of information, training, development, coaching, and mentoring more available to more people, across greater distances than ever before.
If we who have leadership roles in the movement will faithfully and freely serve the emerging hunger for this form of ministry, we will see joyful and rewarding fruits of our labors.
The first in a series of Zoominars for sports chaplains and character coaches is now posted on YouTube (link below). My guest was Scott Bre...
