My wife, Sharon, and I have been married for nearly fifty years. Across those years, we have certainly grown, individually and as a couple. I am very thankful for her patience and loyalty toward me when I was young, naive, foolish, and irresponsible. It would have been much easier for her to leave at multiple points along the way.
After some reflection, I have identified some ways one's spouse makes an immense difference in how one serves as a sports chaplain or character coach. Five of those ways are listed below for your consideration. I hope you find you have found such a spouse and have been favored by the Lord. He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. Proverbs 18:22
Support, not tolerance. I was once the king of involvement, the prince of commitment, the duke of activism. If there was something to be done, I was ready to do it; especially if it was a "religious activity." I was adept at rationalizing my overcommitment to everyone but my wife and son by reasoning the meeting, concert, worship service, or even sporting event was a matter of calling. Eventually, things came to a head in a liberating but painful argument. I shouted, "I want support, not tolerance!" I began withdrawing from commitments and activities until we reached a level she could support. Wow, that was painful. I stopped doing a number of things that were fulfilling and in which I found success. This moment of maturation was instrumental to my becoming fit for fulfillment of my calling.
Ego suppression. It amazes me. Upon arrival from a ministry trip on the other side of the globe, having spoken with wonderful and significant people speaking exotic languages, and enjoying their respect, my bride will say something like, "Please take out the trash. The faucet is dripping. My car needs an oil change." Doesn't she know who I am? Does she not get that I am kind of a big deal, at least in my own mind? She is supremely talented at ego suppression and never fails to remind me of my real identity. I am Richard and Ann's boy, Sharon's husband, Jason's dad, Addie and Elise's papa. With my ego sufficiently deflated, I can properly resume my life's true and proper roles.
Hospitality. Sharon's gift of hospitality is remarkable and it is a key part of how I serve coaches and teams. Across the last fifteen years, we have hosted individuals and groups in our home for meetings, meals, and relaxation. We have hosted players hiding from the media during the NFL draft, FCA huddles for Bible study, coaching staffs for breakfast, team captains for dinner, professional baseball players for a home cooked meal, and many for coffee and mentorship. A wonderful cook, Sharon always creates something that is appropriate to the moment, feeding both the stomach and the soul. Her gift of hospitality sets the table, both literally and figuratively, for my role as ministry leader. I'm quite sure who would be more greatly missed if one of us was not around.
Maintenance of perspective. Ministry in sport can be quite stressful and it's easy to be consumed by it. Fundraising is always difficult. We often carry the frustrations and concerns of those we serve. We are constantly adjusting to changes in staff, in players, and the sport itself. When these stresses are piling up, my wife has an uncanny ability to restore my perspective by drawing my attention to the most important matters to us both. Aging parents. Our son's young family. Our friends. Our responsibilities. The simple mention of such things directs my attention to our greatest priorities and my perspective snaps back into shape, at least for a while. Those pressing issues will still be there later, but for now, perspective demands I be 100% present.
Lover of one’s soul. I would imagine each of us have people who love us, at least parts of us. I know I have friends and acquaintances who love my social media posts. Some seem to love the idea of who I am, a character coach or sports chaplain. Some love me as a reliable family member when crises arise. Some love my sense of humor, others not so much. I am sure there are countless others who either don't care for me or don't know I exist. At least one person loves my very soul, the entirety of my person, all the good and bad of me. She's my wife. She knows me at my best and my worst. She still loves me. She knows the courageous and cowardly Roger. She loves me. She knew the 17-year-old first date me, and the 68-year-old me. She loves me.
Do yourself a favor and find one of these, a spouse who will give you support, not just tolerance. One who will suppress your out-of-control ego. One who will offer hospitality cheerfully. Find a spouse who will help you maintain perspective. Marry someone who will be the lover of your soul. This is a matter of greatest import.
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