A Swimmer's Reflection

Occasionally we are privileged to be allowed inside the minds and hearts of those we serve. Many of our friends in the sporting community are quite reserved with their thoughts, their feelings of insecurity, their worries, and especially with their fears. That’s why it is so remarkable when we come across a candid and even vulnerable expression of the heart. I recently was able to get a glimpse into the heart of a twenty year old young lady who is a swimmer at our university. Her excellence in the pool, in the classroom, and in the community is evident to all, but I have been watching her faith grow over the last year or so.

The paragraphs below are from a social media post she made just a few days ago. It is in expressions like this one that the significance of our ministry is seen. More than with celebratory selfies after winning a championship that simply allow us to revel in the reflected light of athletes’ success. These moments unveil the normally hidden hearts of sportspeople and point to the significance to be found in quiet, behind the scenes conversations, study, prayer, and community. I hope this young lady’s faithful reflection on her life in sport is both a challenge and an encouragement to you.

In the past few months I've had some life changing events occur. I'm not really sure why I am sharing it on social media but something is willing me to do so. 

Maybe it's my way of "talking it out". I'll warn you there is religious references in there. That is not to push my faith on anyone but as I am telling my story from my viewpoint this is how I best see it. This is pretty lengthy and I apologize, I've never really been good at summarizing ha-ha. Anyways, enjoy! 

It’s 11:48...p.m. I have a very overwhelming lab practical tomorrow at 9a.m. You know the kind where you feel you will walk in and forget everything because there’s too much to remember. So why am I still up? I have this shooting pain that goes from my hip all the way down to my toes. The kind that makes your eyelids scrunch up even when they are closed. I guess this was kind of my fault. I stood on it for the past 3 hours pretty much. Sad isn’t it? I can’t cheer on our basketball team with my swim team, get all crazy, dressed half naked and chanting, showing school spirit without being in agonizing pain after. Sorry, let me explain, I feel like I’ve told my story to so many people, I don’t want to tell it anymore, but here is the shortened version. 

On New Year’s Eve, I was diagnosed with a DVT which is a blood clot that takes up ⅔ of my right leg as well as a few superficial clots. They found this through an MRI that was to figure out what a lump on the back of my knee was.[Okay, side note, I was admitted into the hospital and they gave me an IV. Now, I am not a fan of needles. They are always associated with some sort of pain. To calm my nerves the nurse administering the IV comforted me by saying, this is the only stick. Just one and the IV is basically a one stop shop so they can do everything through there. If they need to take blood they won’t have to re stick you. Let me tell you, that IV HURT. I thought though, it’s over no need to worry. So when another nurse came to my room to draw blood for some tests, I raised up my arm with the IV to give it to her and her response? “Oh good you're IV is on that arm I need your other arm please.” Are you kidding, another needle? Not to mention I was getting injections of blood thinners through my abdomen. So then morning comes and they need to take more blood. I expected it this time and sure enough they’re stick me. BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE. The nurse comes back in about 5 minutes later and says, “I’m sorry, we forgot one. I’ll need to stick you again.” REALLY? Of course you forgot one! It was literally a needle haters worse nightmare.] Okay, back to my story,  

New Year’s marked the day that the sport I loved was taken away from me. I can’t swim until the clot is gone. They estimated that will take around 3 months. I will not get to swim in my Junior Year Conference Meet. I will not get the opportunity to score for my team. I will not get the opportunity to defend my 200 freestyle record. I will not get the chance to defend the 800 freestyle relay, or try and take back the 400 freestyle relay if I were chosen to be a part of it. The chance to walk out through the tunnel of athletes and get to my team and feel their support as I go to battle for them. I will not get to stand next to my teammates with water running down my very tight suit that hurts my shoulders, face beat red, uncontrollable breathing, knowing I had just given my all for them. I won’t get the chance to fight to defend our Championship title, to deal with other teams willing to do anything even if immoral to take us down and smiling and rising to the occasion. (Ahhhh, that’s the best feeling.)

This might sound dramatic especially when there are a lot of problems in our world today. I might agree with you on some level. I realize it is a privilege that many do not have to be able to compete in a sport, go to school, or even have medical resources. Some might say, “It’s only three months, ”so let me explain my viewpoint since not many can understand. 

Every day I deal with guilt. I realize there was nothing I could have done to stop this situation from occurring, but it doesn’t take from the fact that my teammates are working their butts off and I sit. Yes, I go to every practice. I sit there and cheer my teammates on. While this is torture for me, this is where I’d be had nothing happened. To me, it is where I belong. It’s ‘where my friends are, my team I call family, the pool is home. So that is why I show up to 6 a.m. practice. Not only because I’d feel bad if I got to sleep in while my team didn’t, but also so I can keep some normal part of my life. Meets are the worst. I get there and I am hungry. I sometimes have to sit away from the pool so I don’t throw myself in and start swimming. I just want to be able to help my team out and be a part of the fun atmosphere. Instead I have to take breaks from cheering and sit down, I can’t get up and dance because that would increase my blood flow too much, heck I can’t even do the warm up dance. 

This may seem all doom and gloom, you’d be right. The above information could destroy me. It could make me hate my life, wonder why me? Engulf myself in misery and jealousy to my healthy teammates. I could be mad at God for letting something like this happen. To wonder why it seems he never gives me a break. (Earlier in the season I had problems with asthma and my lower back.) However, as easy as that path would be I have chosen a different one. 

You see, I now have a new appreciation for life. To know a few more days and the clot could have traveled to my heart or lungs kind of teaches you that life is precious.  It’s a weird feeling for sure. To go through everyday knowing you have something inside you that could potentially kill you. While it is very unlikely it would travel there are no guarantees. So every slight chest pain, every leg pain, every time my leg swells, every time I get out of breath, it’s all very unnerving. I am happy to still have the ability to feel pain. 

When they say life could be over in a split second, live it to the fullest, it never really hit home with me until it could have so easily been taken from me. (Talk about learning a lesson the hard way.) You see, for all that I explained went wrong I never said what went right. Let’s start with my team staying in Carbondale instead of flying somewhere for a training trip. (Flying is deadly with a blood clot.) I had to have the athletic trainer want to take a look at that bump, then have our team doctor take a look. Instead of brushing it over and waiting to see if it’d get better in a week or so he wanted an MRI as soon as possible. For those non-medical people out there, MRIs aren’t good at picking up blood clots, they sometimes go undetected in them. The doctor that read mine was thorough enough to find signs of a blood clot and called me right away to get to the hospital. (This wasn’t even what they were looking at)  

As scary and heart breaking as this process has been, it has shown me that God is always, ALWAYS with you. Take a second and think about the last few sentences. If any one of those had not gone just so, this could have been a very different story being told. Probably not by me. It’s super scary when you think about it. However, I know God was there because he guided all of these people to the right answer. 

You see Faith is not measured on a good day. Of course it’s always good to thank God for those happy times, but faith is measured when it seems all is taken from you and you look to him and say God I trust you. It’s one thing to say God has a plan for me and then to be able to say that in dark times and truly mean it. It’s pretty funny actually. Only a couple miles before this situation arose, I posted a status on Facebook that my Nonnie had told me. It read, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.” I had a point to prove in the pool this year. I had a plan to have a great conference meet. I had a plan to train really hard over Christmas break. However, God has a different plan. I’d be lying if I said I was happy with this process. Although, I know that while I can’t see it now and I have no idea what it is, something good will come from this, and it will make me a better human being. 

So here I am saying it, GOD IS GOOD. I AM ALIVE. I love my family, I love my dogs, I love my friends, I love my team, I am one blessed individual. There is always a better tomorrow and a brighter side of looking at every situation. 

It is now 12:16 and I should probably get some sleep so I don’t fail out of college tomorrow morning. (Okay, I may be exaggerating a bit.) Anyway, these are my words for thought. I hope I have helped someone understand or made someone smile. Remember you are loved and as my family always says, YOU MATTER.