It’s amazing, I keep getting older, but the young men I serve are always eighteen to twenty-three-years-old. When I began, I was thirty-eight-years old, just a little older than the players, and no one had a cell phone. In my forties, I was suddenly old enough to be their father and it required a different style of communication, this was prior to text messaging. In my fifties, things changed again as more people communicated digitally, and talking face to face became more of a challenge. Now almost through my sixties, I am like everyone’s grandfather. This has demanded I find new ways to communicate with another generation of young men.
I am constantly challenged to listen well, to perceive wisely, and to communicate effectively. It is challenging, but certainly possible. I believe I can continue to adjust, to learn, and grow for many years. Some keys to such communication are listed below.
Listen to understand. It’s most common for people in conversation to wait for an opportunity to respond instead of listening closely to understand. Doing so both communicates a lack of respect for the person speaking and it robs the disinterested listener of what he could learn. Instead of waiting to interject your thoughts, stop, empathically listen, pay attention, and seek to understand. You will be better for it. If the other person wants to hear your thoughts, he or she will ask for them.
Ask good questions. Again, this is part of listening well. Ask follow up questions to the other person’s expression. Ask more questions about processes and fewer about results. Simple replies like, “Tell me more,” will improve communication. Asking, “How does that work?” is most helpful. “Why is this important?” can help get to the person’s values, a deeper level of communication. Questions that can be answered, “Yes,” or “No,” are not as good as open-ended questions. WARNING – asking good questions requires more thought and preparation that does making statements or sharing opinions.
Start from your hearer’s perspective. This is very similar to one of the human relations principles taught by the Dale Carnegie Course. To communicate effectively it is very helpful to grasp the background of the other person, to consider his or her perspective, communications style and the environment for your interaction. When you notice a person being uncomfortable due to the environment (noise, crowd, etc.), offer to move to a better place to continue. Ask questions about matters that have shaped the person’s perspective (experiences, home town, education, etc.) to better understand his or her views. We cannot assume everyone starts from the same place we do. You may have a lifetime of experience with an issue that is entirely new to me.
Speak in terms with which the hearers connect, intellectually and emotionally. Both are important; appealing to the mind and to the heart. Most of us will naturally gravitate toward one or the other. Few of us can connect with both effectively. The more stoic among us would rather appeal to the intellect, finding emotions a little messy. Others naturally appeal to the emotions through broad gestures, engaging stories, and strong vocal inflections. I would challenge you to study those who communicate both ways. You may become a tremendous communicator.
Acknowledge questions and challenges. This is very important. To acknowledge, even to welcome questions and challenges will greatly enhance your communication and will earn you respect. Many of the people we encounter are not great communicators and they are often a little clumsy in their attempts to understand. They may ask awkward questions you could interpret as disrespectful, but a simple reframing of the question may get to the heart of the matter as you answer. I much prefer a respectful challenge to my thought than being ignored or tolerated. Treat the challenge as a respectful question and you’ll find more favor with your thoughtful answer.
Aspire to mutual understanding, not absolute agreement. Not everyone will agree with you, of course. That’s not really the goal. To understand the other person and to be understood is what we’re after. The greater distance there is between those in communication, the more difficult this may be. Make understanding each other your goal, not persuading the other person to adopt your point of view.
Old dudes like me want to communicate well, but the environment, methods, and rules for engagement keep changing. We must adapt or we’ll soon be irrelevant. Diligently pursue understanding and practice the aforementioned tips, and I am sure you will be an effective communicator for years to come.
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