In keeping with the recent trend of self-aggrandizing and drama filled personal news conferences to announce one’s career decisions, on August 1, 2010 at 7:00 pm CDT (8:00 is Roger’s bedtime) Roger Lipe will be announcing the decision Roger has reached regarding his mediocre and overexposed career in sport. Though unencumbered by championships, MVP awards or other achievements, Roger feels he deserves your undying loyalty, fawning respect and ridiculous financial remuneration.
Roger has been speaking of himself in third person all day and has contacted all the major media in order to give them a chance to cover this most important event (exclusively if the price is right): ESPN, CNN, the Carbondale Times and such are in the running.
Roger will be announcing his decision between the following rivals for the acquisition of my considerable and certainly overrated skills:
• Roger may announce that Roger will forego his final four years of eligibility for NCAA Basketball in order to make himself eligible for the NBA Draft. (Roger would be the best 54 year old, short, slow, white player available.)
• Roger may announce that he is a free agent and available to NFL Football as Head Get-back Coach, Get-back Quality Control Coach or, if the compensation package is agreeable, Assistant Get-back Coach for a guaranteed Super Bowl contending team.
• Roger may announce that Roger is ready to finally allow the St. Louis Cardinals to have his services and to replace their rather mediocre first baseman, Albert What’s-His-Name.
• Roger may even announce that Roger will stay in Carbondale. Roger may decide to grace his wife with his continuing presence, to remain in the employ of the Fellowship of Christian Athletes for another sixteen years and to forestall the horrible sense of loss and grief which this community would suffer if Roger should leave. (Roger is sure this sense of unimaginable loss would last for at least five to ten seconds.)
Bids for media sycophants (serious journalists and those who can think for themselves need not apply) to buy exclusive rights to the news conference, or as we prefer to call it, “Roger is Special” media event can be sent to: Roger is Special / #1 Arrogance Way / Carbondale, IL 62901.
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